Last week when I was in Oregon I was saying my goodbyes to my aunt who was dying of cancer. I held strong through saying my goodbyes and trying to comfort others, but I'm afraid I'm falling apart at the seams now that I'm home (and the bf and the kids are sick with the flu and the house is a mess, etc.). I'm feeling inadequate and overwhelmed. I'd like a month off, this bathroom to recover in, pots of money to do whatever I want with and a sound proof room for crying. Any advice for how to deal with grief while needing to show up for real life would be appreciated.
UPDATE
A huge THANK YOU to everyone that left good thoughts, great suggestions and comfort for me. I just got 3 solid nights of sleep, connected with people I love, spent some time just being quiet, watched a couple of movies, ate pancakes for lunch, had a martini, took a walk, did some writing, some cleaning and some just being and I am feeling so much more like myself. I think I had just completely underestimated how tired I was and I wasn't leaving myself any room to feel the way I was feeling.
I've got a busy couple of days but I promise to check in with you all later this week. Thanks again to each and every one of you that took the time to write.
Xoxolaure
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19 comments:
Hey Laure,
I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt.
A couple of things I do when life is extra hard:
1. go somewhere, anywhere, that makes me ridiculously happy. for me, this is the ferry building farmer's market in sf. it's some of the best of the city and it makes me feel alive.
2. bath and glass of wine
3. baking helps me zone out
3. may be counter-intuitive, but i watch bad romantic movies and use it as an excuse to sob, while i'm baking...
good luck and feel better!
Laure - I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt.
I think you just need to allow yourself some time in the day (every day if you need it) to cry or get it out in some other way. Whenever I hold in the tears, they seem to escape at the wrong time and I walk around on the verge of tears all day.
I know this isn't the same thing as a family member dying but when my two most beloved pets (cat and horse) died, I took to nature. I took a drive up the PCH to point mugu and sat out on that cliff edge and let myself think. I also went on a long hike. The physical activity is enough to keep you occupied but gives you time to think. It's not depressing like sitting alone at home but you still have time to reflect and grieve.
Let yourself have some personal alone time and take good care of yourself.
thanks shayna and laura--I'm taking both of your suggestions very seriously. Also, just having said something I feel less alone.
Make this cheesecake...
http://suzanne-brown.blogspot.com/2008/06/mary-her-heavenly-cheesecake.html
Love,
S
Be extra gentle with yourself.
Light a candle to honor your aunt.
Be sure to eat small meals even if you are not hungry.
Spend time with people that are supportive and understand.
Take things slowly.
Appreciate the small pleasures you enjoy everyday.
Baby steps. You can do this.
I try to remember these things:
All we've really got is this moment, and all we can really do is put one foot in front of the other and keep going. It will get better. And, we wouldn't know what happiness feels like unless we were also able to feel grief.
so sorry to hear this, laure.
and i agree with laura. one minute--no, one moment--at a time. let yourself feel. and remember that you're not alone. xoxo
May the love that surrounds you help you through this time of sorrow.
I received a card with the sentiment above and it has always helped me through hard times. While love doesn't vanquish grief, I think it makes grief more bearable.
you're so brave, laure!
xoxoxo
Give yourself a big break, a wide path, an unknown number of days to unreal the very real pain of loss. And cry and talk and take pleasure in all that remains.
Love you,
Chris
Watch a real tear-jerker of a movie....counter-intuitive,I know. Helped me. My Dad died in January.I Walked around in a hazy funk for a while..crying helps,even if for a whole other reason.
This is all really good advice. Getting outside and going for a walk in any kind of nature always helps me, rather than staying at home. And just be kind to yourself; allow yourself to be vulnerable and cry if you need to.
So sorry to hear you are having a rough time, Laure. It's small comfort, but one thing to keep in mind is that we never truly lose the people we love. Also, that you don't have to be perfect. It's okay to cry and feel messed up. Deal with as much "real life" as you are able to, and the good people in your life will understand.
Take care & sending you positive thoughts through the Interwebs,
Gendy
oh, laure, I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt...with all of my family back in KY, I know how hard it can be to deal with loss when you're far away.
my favorite thing to do is to go on a long, pointless drive. have you driven up the 2 to the Angeles National Forest? it's gorgeous and windy and makes you forget where you are...
and yeah, wine, tea, tequila, bad movies, spending time with friends, and keeping busy with projects are also good distractions.
For me, and only you know what will work for you, this is what makes me be able to get through the day.
I allow myself a certain time to grieve, and a certain place in which to do that grieving. For me, it is 15 minutes each morning sitting on my window bench. Then the rest of the day I can think about the fact that I have left my grief near my window.
Also, don't get stuck! Do something everyday. If you like to sew, sew something new. Then tomorrow, a couple of new things. Or bake a new kind of pie.
Most of all, move one foot in front of the other. Keep moving forward. And, you have many blessings, so.........pass it on.
i'm so sorry. take care of yourself.
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I don't know what the answer is but I do think that keeping busy helps. I've been in a post-trauma hazy fug myself for the last three months although I am now, fortunately, starting to re-emerge gradually into the real world. When I was too low even for seeing friends, and I didn't want to talk about it but I couldn't think of anything else to talk about, I found myself knitting. And knitting and knitting and knitting. Endless basic scarves that are now keeping me and my best friends warm, and let me sit and be quiet and decompress, and kept my hands and my thoughts busy at a time when I was too numb to do anything that required brain power but couldn't afford to let myself sink into a depression because I was scared I wouldn't manage to come out the other side.
You'll get through this.
Take care of yourself.
maybe plant a tulip or some daffodils outside in her memory, and when they bloom in the spring you would be reminded of her lovliness.
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